This Girl

     I been feeling really empty lately. Like I'm missing something, which I am. Missing someone. I never ever felt like this towards anyone ever. She was my very first official love. It's true that the very first love is the one that hurts the most. It hurts so much, like I'm suffocating off the absense of her presence, it's hard to breath. Our one year anniversary is coming closer and closer and I'm missing her more and more. If only she knew the pain that I'm dealing with right now. I wanna let her know how I'm really feeling but I have this sense that it's not gonna do any difference. 

  I was watching Dear John last night and it reminded me on the conversation we had on that movie. We was supposed to watch that movie together, not alone. While I was watching that movie, I didn't see two white people, I saw me and you. It was like watching myself in a movie. Now a days every love movie I see, I see us. Everytime I see kissing, holding hands, cuddling, eye contact, laughing, sex, I go in a day dream with you in it and wish I was doing everything with you. That's the closest I can come to being with you I guess. I know you're not thinking about me, but I can't stop thinking about you, I can't stop talking about you, I can't do nothing without you in it. Every night I want to cry because you're not with me anymore, but sweat comes out instead. I'm all dried up of tears. How can I put you behind me when all I did was put you before me when we were together. One of the hardest tasks that I have come across so far. Life goes on I guess, but I don't want it to go on without you in my life. Sigh, fuck it, nothing I can do about it. I just miss you so bad, it's scary. I miss you lips, I miss looking in your eyes, I miss holding your hands, I miss touching you, I miss playing in your hair, everything we did together, I miss it. It hurts to know I can't do it again.

    It's been a while since I last wrote on my blog. A lot has changed about me, and a lot has been experienced. I recently finished my high school chapter. It was really fun over the years, but I wish I was able to rewrite it. Soooo much would be different. As I see everyone in my class going to college, it makes me envious of all of them, but I have a different path and I'm not going back on it again. I realized a lot about myself. From those realizations, I tend to change myself more. I've become more careless, less open-minded, and more aware of everything. I changed a lot of my ways for my own comfort. No more making unnecessary adjustments for people. It's time to be me now. 

    As the days go by, I'm more eager to set off to set the road of my life. Time to really set myself free... 

Everything Is Clear

    I finally understand how people work, not fully, but enough to understand the intentions of people's doings to other people. People say the trust hurts, which naturally is true, but it doesn't hurt more than to be lied to in so many ways. It's so easy to lie to someone, but so hard to give them the iron truth. The people who are lied to thinks that the other person doesn't care or love them when they are lied to, but in reality, they do care. They know it would hurt them so much, so to prevent the ears from being told the sour truth, people get told sweet lies. But everything doesn't stay sweet forever, it's bound to turn nasty. Lying is as easy as stealing candy from a baby, but telling the truth is as hard as returning the candy. I see why people rather prefer to tell lies than the truth. But by preventing your person from getting stabbed with hurt, and broken trust, you stab yourself with regret and fear of the person finding out. Everything makes perfect sense to me. 

New Cure

     My anger hasn't really been getting the best of me, but I have reached limits to the point I wanted to hurt myself and other people. Because of my new cure, my anger and other personality has been kept put. This new cure of mine, is something that I do all the time. Laughter. I see why people say live, laugh and learn. You have to live to go through the hardest time, and laugh at the situation, then you learn how to deal or cope with the situation. My friends always ask me why am I always laughing. For me, laughing is my comfort zone. So much things have attacked me in so many ways, you would think life itself was trying to assassinate me. I dodged every bullet life shot at me, escaped every hit the world tried to sneak on me, and jumped over every broken down bridge the world had put for me. Laughter is the key in my life. People does not like when I laugh at certain things because they think it's not meant to be funny. That's how I look at things, I look at it as another practical joke. Learn to laugh in order to continue living...

Pathway Lost Again

     I'm back here again, so this means things been going on in my mind that been stressing me. I feel a type of way that I felt plenty of times, but this feeling is something serious. My way in life has been lost again. I walked into a dead end, so now it's time to go back. The only thing is, I can't go back. There is no "Back" for me to go. The only thing to do is to build a new path for myself, I just to know where it's gonna lead me to. 

     I was so ready to go to the military, but things were taking too long and stuff had to be re-done. I knew for a fact that the stuff that had to be re-done was not going to happen, but I was gonna hold that thought and maybe find a way around it, but things just didn't go right. Nothing ever goes right with me. So now the thought of me becoming a Marine is obliterated and the dust of that thought scattered. Now I'm back at that lost square I was at junior year. I don't know what I'm going to do after school, and I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I don't have that long to decide. Time is of the essence but I at least of some type of idea of what to do next, but it's just an idea. For some people, this is good news, but the people who really knows me knows that this is strictly bad news. Whenever I think about this situation, it makes me sick to my stomach because it makes me think of living in the hood for the rest of my life when I don't want that at all. I don't understand why the things we really want in life makes us bleed sweat, but the things we avoid comes with ease. I don't want to be like my mom, or anybody else struggling to keep clothes on their families back or food in their families stomach. I don't ever want to come to that point. Going through the same problems your whole life doesn't make life worth wild, it makes life a living torture. It's about time I gather my thoughts and make no mistakes, and not hesitate. Make haste with every opportunity I get and make it through the ring of fire with no flames attached to me.

Mama Don't Worry

     My mom has been going through so much. It seems like each new year gets worse for her. It's effecting her so much, and her infected aura of depression and stress is spreading, into me. I can't help but feel her pain, because she shows it, and it hurts me to know that she feels this way, especially when she cries because she feels hopeless. I want to give my mom everything, and it hurts me to know that I can't. It hurts me badly. I want to help her, but knowing that I can't do anything to change how she feels injects more negative into my ever lasting river of hurt, sorrow, stress and depression. This is something I know that I will never be able to fix.
     My mom is killing herself slowly, and she realizes it, but she thinks it's hard to stop. These things that very body is using. I call them death sticks. She knows I don't like when she smokes them, but it's like she doesn't care if she's killing herself. For every stick she smokes, the more poisonous her body becomes to my mind. I can't help but think of death whenever she smokes. She says it's her way to ease up her stress. I don't want her to smoke, but I also don't want her to be stressed. But with one's stress eased, comes another stress risen. What's gonna happen if she becomes very sickly, and has to stay in he hospital? I will not allow my drunken uncle to take care of us. I love him and all, but that's not an option. My step dad already has "his hands full", so that's not even a thought. I try to put this in her head, but it seems like has if I contribute to the poor, and the poor goes to buy liquor or something. It also scares me that while I am going to be in the military, something bad is going to happen to her. I'm so scared of that happening. I want my mom to live to see her grandchildren, but it seems has if she doesn't want to live to see me become 21 at least. If only she wasn't going through so much shit, I think all of this could have been avoided. I wish, hope, and pray for my moms to God quietly everyday so she can become better. Don't worry mama, everything is going be alright =)

Chains of Restraint

     I haven't been here in a while which means I've been pretty good lately. Haven't had any bad news besides today, but it's over with, I don't care anymore. It's true that happiness last but so long, but happiness should be longer for the people who deserves it. I haven't done anything wrong lately, and if I did, I took full responsibility of it. 
     Why can't I be a little more content about myself? Why am I so ungrateful? I ask God for a lot of things lately, and he has given me what I asked for, but yet, I still want more. I think it's not enough. So again, I caught myself asking God to change another one of my insecurities, and I had to stop myself. That's when I realized I have to be grateful for what I have and manage it, but can't blame myself for wanting more, it's human nature to keep wanting. Jealousy has found it's way back to me, and it MUST go, but I don't know how to make it leave. I found out that I have be doing a sin this whole time called GREED. I penalize myself for being envious, greedy, and ungrateful. I'm well aware that it's wrong, but the only reason why I'm like this is because I'm not satisfied with myself. I'm always looking at my flaws, and not strong points. I just there was someone or something that can show me what I'm worth along with the insecurities. 
      Another thing is that my patience is draining out of me. I held myself back from doing a lot of stuff this year all in hopes of... But I came to realize that if it was truly meant to be, then it would've happened a long time ago. I can't wait any longer, I'm going to enjoy my last moments as a teen and do whatever I want before I take my drastic step forward into life. I shouldn't hold myself back anymore. Besides, I'm completely dubious about things going back to normal, so why still hope and wait? No more. No more. No more.

There 4 Me

     I'm so grateful to have people in my life to take me away from things when things are getting rough and harsh. Not only do they take me away from them, but they turn my negatives into positives. When I hang out with these people, my day ends up being fun, and stress free. Also, when I need something, I know that they're reliable and wouldn't let me down. None of them judges, classifies, or belittle people. I these people my true friends, the people I'm with quite often. My two best friends Rosy and Josh. Josh had my back since freshman year, and I had his. That's my partner in crime, my homie. Since I've been going through money problems in my family, he always offered to buy me lunch when I didn't have money. I don't like people buying things for me, but he's only looking out for me, and I appreciate his generosity. He's only doing his job as a friend. I would never leave him hanging on anything. Rosy, the female best friend I always asked for. We talk almost everyday, and we're together most of the time. This girl always brings happiness around my way. Her personality is always happy, so I guess that's why I'm happy most of the time when she's around. She looks out for me as well. When I'm going through "girl" drama, she's always there to back me up, she understands the stuff I go through. She never judged me on any decision I made. She always supported my decisions, and I love her for that. Then there's Steve with his dancing ass. He has all of our backs, and when he knows you're having a bad day, he tries to help out. He doesn't care about anyone's bull shit, he keeps it moving. That's what I like about him. Last but not least, my bro Chevoy. This guy, always looking out for me, and he always has open ears for me. He always makes sure I'm safe and if I need anything. I always go to him for advice or some type of guidance. He's always welcoming. He's never rude towards people, even when they're being rude. That's something I can't do, so I admire him for that. I always have fun when I'm around him, he puts me in the weirdest situations, but at the end of the day, the situations ends up being funny. He's the big bro I always asked for, like a role model. When people ask me who he is, I'm glad to say he's my bro. And when he's talking to people, he tells them I'm his little brother. My real brothers haven't reached my eyes enough so I hate to say it, but I really don't care about them, well my older brothers at least. But I'm glad to consider Chevoy as my big brother. These are the people I can't let go, and I have no intentions on doing so. 

In The Depth

      People can not read me, for I prevent myself for being read. My life is a book of regret, violence, and evil doings written in a language that is not heard of by the world. They would read the first page and become trapped in a null void full of confusion. This book of mine is too advanced for the ordinary, for the typical ears. No way, this book is for the people who felt the same violence as mine. Who cried sweat and sweated tears. Who came close to the end of their book, but decided to leave room for open chapters because their book was too short. 

     My book only gets deeper within the chapters. Even though there's only 17 chapters in my book so far, the things I've been through would have made you think that there's 28 chapters. The protagonist of this book cried tears of blood, joy, pain, and sorrow. He got lost in his own book several times, but found his way to the next paragraph. Though, my book is coming to the end of the first part, the second part is going to continue from the first part. Within the depth of this book, will true understanding of the protagonist reach the readers. I finish my first book in August, and will begin the second in the same month. God has let me live long enough to write 17 chapters, but it's in his hands to allow me to write more. It's a privilege to still be an author, and a blessing to have readers, and supporters of my book. Almost to the end so I can start again.

Watch Yuh Friends

     So there's this term that everyone happens to misuse all the time. This term is called "friend". A friend is someone you could trust, seek when in bad times, help you when their needed and someone who doesn't judges. If you're going to judge, tell the person in their face, don't say it when eyes and ears are closed. People tend to misuse this term by doing all sorts of disgruntle shit. They could set their friend up for the worse events, dreadful days, and cause them to go through excruciating pain. They also tend to laugh in their face and talk bad behind their back. I learned this the hard way. I use to do it myself, but I stopped because I was mature enough to see the light on what I was doing to people. Now I tend to choose my friends very wisely. There's a reason why I listen to Jah Vinci. He gives advice to get through life. Watch yuh friends weh ya smoke wid an run joke wid. Ah dem think fi cut yuh throat quick. The ones closest to you are that one's that can bring you down without ease because they know your flaws, and how to use them against you, as well as sell your flaws to other people. I also learned to forgive though. I may be cool with my ex- friends, but I don't look at them the same or tell them anything about me because they can spit your words out at someone else. Listen to these words, and life would be easier, I guarantee that.

New Personality, New Perspective, New Me and Old Ways

      So I came to an conclusion that I'm gonna keep a distance from everyone. If they close or not, I'm going to keep my distance. No more chilling with people. I'm just gonna turn ghost. Better off that way. I'm going to be my own partner, my own company, and my own friend. Isolation from others is gonna be the best way to prevent certain stuff from being said and done. I'm not gonna cut anybody off, but I  know damn well that no one is going to catch me in a conversation ever again. People just gets on my nerves now, so I'm gonna stay away from "people". People is always going to catch me with headphones in my ear, so that would tell people that I'm not listening to them, so don't bother. Music is my new sanctuary. Music and writing. I'm just gonna turn back to writing to express my words. I'm gonna go back to my old ways now, violent ways. Anger has consumed most of my conscience and formed a new being within me. This being talks to me in my head, to do hurtful things. It tells me to do hurtful things to people, and I don't want that. If anything, I'm going to hurt this new being, and by doing that, I'm gonna have to hurt myself. Fuck it, at least I'm not hurting anyone else. Transformed and understands more. Now that I understand more and get how things work, I'm going to stay away.

Confused, Why?

     So I really don't understand. Girls are like the most confused beings in this god damn planet. Like seriously, you say one thing one moment, then say something else the next minute. Like wtf, make up your fucking mind, like dead ass. This shit is dead ass childish. Quit the shit, be assertive on your shit. If you not sure on things, then stay away until you make a decision. Never again am I gonna have open ears to a confused mind. Get yourself straight, you're at the age when you're suppose to know what the hell you want. Quit the shit.

My Jigglypuff

My Jigglypuff... is one of the greatest people in my life. She's been there for me when I felt like giving up, or when the weights are too heavy for me to lift, she's right there to spot me. Her personality is so bright and full of joy. Whenever she laughs, I can't help but laugh too because it's go to know she's not depressed or in pain from everything. I always like to see her smiling. It seems like she been right next to me before we even hit double digits, but it's only been a couple of months. She is like family to me. Her family is my family. I'm happy to know that if I'm going through rough times in my household, her house is always welcoming. This girl is truly amazing. She's my sanctuary, my other pair of arms, she's basically a younger female version of me. We have so much fun together. She hates to see me depressed, so she does everything in her will to make me happy. I always like to help her when I could, I always like to do the same for her when she's feeling down or depressed. I love this girl to death, and I will always be there for her, even while I'm gone. =]

Almost There

   Well it's 2010, and how year seems like almost over already. I find this good, I just wish time goes by faster           already so I can leave this burdened place. Everything seriously has been trying to bring me down, in all sorts          of  ways, it got to be for a little bit, but not anymore. No more pain to myself. Now another thing I must say is that I'm getting tired of everyone asking me" You're really serious about the military?" or " Why you want to go?". Well duh I'm serious about the military thing assholes, and my reasons are none of your concerns. Also, I'm getting tired of everyone talking shit about people behind their back, and then laugh and joke with them. WTF, that's the most unreal thing in the books, then if someone ask you if you were talking shit about someone, they gonna say " I don't have time to talk about you." or " I have no reason to talk about you." Oh really, okay.  
              Well, I'm glad to say that I'm not gonna let people words get to me unless it's about my family, or my
                  girl. Why should I, when June is right there. There's always gonna be badmind, shit talkers and toys in my way of trying to reach success. August is the month I will begin my life as an adult. I'm going to be a step ahead of life.